COVID-19 journaling

Writing has always been an escape for me. It’s tricky as a nurse because– well confidentiality. I clearly can’t publicize my entire internal dialogue — but thought I would share the mom- guilt part of all of this I am experiencing.

First I want to commend those who are staying home.. keeping our community safe.. I can only imagine how challenging it is being home with your minis without their activities, structure, school etc. 24-7. I know how challenging these times must be for you. I’ve always said stay at home parents had the toughest job going. And now half the world is realizing just how tough your job is.

But, this is my story. The story of a nurse. Through a pandemic. During her first day off in two weeks. The story of the mom whose daughter cried when she had to work a double to cover the health center. The child who spent all day at essential service daycare and all evening with a baby sitter.

I’m jealous.

I want the family time everyone else is soaking in. I want to be able to structure a home schooling schedule to ensure my grade 1 and pre-K child do not fall behind their peers. I want my kids to look back on this time with memories of making homemade moon sand, baking muffins that aren’t necessary, playing board games all day long with their mommy and daddy. But my reality is not that. My kids will remember going to a new daycare. Having babysitters on evenings when their mom has to fill the gaps in the schedule. Gaps I anticipate will continue to grow.

That is their reality. I have guilt. I have worry. I wonder how this will impact them. On the positive side my kids still have somewhat of a sense of normalcy- seeing other kids, getting out of our house. On the negative side, they are hanging with the kids of other essential workers. I worry about exposure. I worry about what will happen if they contract COVID19. I cant control what the other parents do to prevent this virus from impacting them. It inadvertently effects my family. I feel worried.

But this is something of which I have no control. So, today I am going to go on drives with my babes, play hard, enjoy my family. Teach them to wash their hands. Ask them not to hug their new daycare friends. Pray they continue to be affectionate when this is over and I dont decondition their loving ways.

Today I am feeling a bit jealous and a tad guilty. And I am OK with that. Everyone is experiencing the COVID19 differently. These are my feelings.

Stay safe. Stay in. And we (essential workers) thank you. We want everything to be normal again as much as you do.

Image by Hollys Hustle.


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